Book Review: Secrets of the Baby Whisperer

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate, with your baby
By Tracy Hogg

Sometimes I honestly believe that we would be the best parents we can be if we didn't read any parenting books. We would also have to erase, or deprogram, all societal influences in order to do what makes you, your baby, and your family happy and comfortable without outside influences of shoulds and shouldn'ts that we are all bombarded with unintentionally. Only then, would we do what makes us happy, what comes natural, without caring what any other parent or grandparent thought. But sometimes you need help, advice, or ideas. Sometimes, as a new parent, you just have no idea what to do so there is an endless supply of parenting books on the market and finding the ones that you like and agree with takes reading some that you dislike and do not agree with.

I didn't read any parenting books during my pregnancy. I couldn't even force myself to think past August 13 (my due date) I was so involved in my pregnancy. We did watch "Happiest Baby on the Block" (maybe I should do another post on that) but that was it. That DVD really helped with the first few weeks. We were happy, we were doing our own thing, we were parenting. Then along came "Secrets of the Baby Whisper". I read this book when Mary Abilene was one month old and I absolutely hated it. I got it because another parent at church talked about how it explains and decodes a baby's cries. That was exactly what I wanted as a new parent, to help me understand what my baby needed. However,the book only had a small section on decoding cries, and mostly made me feel like a bad parent, simply because I fed my baby more than every 2.5 - 3 hours. Hogg states that (paraphrased) "no healthy baby should nurse more often than every 2.5 hours." I now find that to be a completely misinformed statement. I since learned that every baby and every breast is different and there is no set time limit to put on feedings.

Before I embraced the fact that Mary Abilene and I were both perfectly happy nursing every two hours (until she was four months old, when she extended the time between herself) I tried to extend the time between her feedings. At one month old, it was the worst three days of my and Mary Abilene's relationship. She was entirely too young to be told when and when not to nurse, and I loved comforting my baby. We scheduled, charted, and tried other comforting measures before nursing, but she was HUNGRY and I was unwittingly depriving my baby. This is a recipe for breastfeeding disaster. Schedules inadvertently decrease milk supply, ESPECIALLY in the early weeks of a baby's life. Nursing often, round the clock, is healthy and natural and ensures a milk supply to meet the baby's needs. In short, I am very much an advocate for nursing on demand. Even if she just wanted to nurse for comfort, I find that completely acceptable and enjoyable to share that with her.

It took going through those three days and realizing that just because it is published doesn't make it right for us. I threw out the book and went back to our previous nursing dynamic. In short, I wish I had never read this book. I also have a major issue with step-by-step parenting books and books that claim always and nevers. Babies do not come with a manual for a reason - no two babies are the same. Any book that claims everyone should do this or no one should do that gets a grade F in my book.

Otherwise, the book is about "flexible schedules" with Eat, Activity, and Sleep rotating through the day, in that order. The sleeping section was also not for me. Hogg suggests putting a baby to bed awake because they "have to learn to be independent from birth". Although she doesn't advocate cry-it-out, her method is sure to cause a lot of tears. Hogg seemingly doesn't account for differences in babies and parents and doesn't acknowledge that there is truly no such thing as a "normal" baby.

There are a couple positive things I did get out of the book. One is to listen to my baby. Not to just assume I know what she wants when she cries (to nurse) but to listen to what she is trying to tell me. It is hard with a newborn, but as she gets older, she clearly expresses likes and dislikes, needs and wants, and listening to a baby from birth facilitates listening to your baby as she grows older. Another good point was to treat your baby like a person. Hogg suggests talking a baby through a diaper change, telling your baby what you are going to do, and asking permission to enter her space. "I'm going to pick you up now. Come to mama!" Instead of hoisting babies here and there with no respect to their own person. We still talk Mary Abilene through diaper changes and getting dressed and she loves it.

The book is very popular, so clearly other parents like the "flexible schedule" system. We, personally, do not put Mary Abilene on a schedule. She can't tell time! However, left to her own devices, she naps about the same time every day, goes to bed about the same time every day, and gets up about the same time every day. She ended up scheduling herself. I just do not think you can put a baby who is not sleepy to bed because the clock says so, or keep a tired baby up longer. I also do not believe in waking a sleeping baby. (This is not necessarily the advice in the book.) However, I do recognize that there are other families who very well may need a scheduled baby. Other children in the house is the first reason that comes to mind. Other families may not have the luxury of letting their baby run the show for one reason or another. Please recognize that I review this book with a newborn in mind. I absolutely believe in building a consistent and reliable routine for older infants and toddlers. I certainly do not think I will let a three-year old decide when she wants to go to bed! I do not mean to say that this book is unacceptable for every family, it just doesn't work for us.